


A Practical Guide to Dating Lex Luthor

by museaway



Category: Smallville
Genre: Established Relationship, Humor, M/M, happy!Clex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-02-27
Updated: 2004-02-27
Packaged: 2017-12-03 18:26:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/701278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/museaway/pseuds/museaway
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s not that Lex Luthor is impossible, just that dating him should come with an instruction manual.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Practical Guide to Dating Lex Luthor

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the CLFF 8th Wave: The Final Line (this was back around 2004, so season 3-ish).
> 
> Challenge: "Don't be afraid of your darker side; have fun with it."
> 
> I really, really didn't like this assignment, but I'm not one to back down from a challenge. I did what I could.

It’s not that Lex Luthor is impossible, just that dating him should come with an instruction manual.

Just ask his boyfriend.

Clark Jerome Kent (then seventeen, now twenty-two) of Smallville, Kansas discovered this the hard way, which was to enter into a sexual and emotional affair with one Alexander J. Luthor (then twenty-three, now twenty-eight) of Metropolis, Kansas without any prior knowledge of the aforementioned Luthor's typical behavior within the confines of a relationship.

It took him five years, but Clark is now quite sure that one need only know seven things in order to successfully date, live, and form a successful partnership with the aforementioned Mr. Luthor.

Of course, Clark is dispensing this knowledge to those of you reading not because he believes there will be suitors following him -- on the contrary; sources report he has been sporting a gold band on his left ring finger for the past several weeks -- but because he's exceptionally pleased with the fact that he is the only person (alien) to've ever figured these things out.

And with this in mind, Clark says that the first thing a person should remember when dealing with Alexander Luthor is that,

1\. _In Lex's eyes, there is no such thing as "too much."_

For example:

Several hundred thousand dollars is not an unfair nor unreasonable price for a Ferrari with a custom paint job, Italian leather seats, and state-of-the-art satellite tracking system. Not to mention a killer engine.

Four hundred eighty-nine dollars and eleven cents is not too much to pay for an imported purple silk shirt (with hand stitching), which will end up in tatters on the bedroom floor once Clark's fingers have done with it.

Two hours is not a ridiculous amount of driving to find palatable Chinese food and have an excuse for licking soy sauce from Clark's lips.

Sex in the shower before and after lunch (and just before dinner) is not a waste of water.

Which brings us point number two.

2\. _Sex is best when it is unplanned, unexpected, and uninhibited._

Now this is something Clark can understand (and always has), being quite fond of the unplanned (and the unexpected and uninhibited) variety of sex himself.

However,

3\. _One should never text message Lex's cellphone utilizing words such as "cock," "fuck," or "blow" whilst he is in a business meeting._

Contrary to popular belief, this will not make him laugh. It will, however, make him unforgivably horny, thus ruining the success/outcome/productivity of said meeting and causing him to have a very. bad. day.

But of course,

4\. _Lex will never admit to having a bad day._

Lex believes in maintaining an image. He does not believe in pouting.

It might surprise some, however, to discover that he is intensely devoted to making his relationship work. Some sources report that this is a direct cause of being from a dysfunctional family. Others claim Lex is just a romantic. Either way, he is a devoted and caring partner, evidenced by the following,

5\. _Even when angry, Lex never fails to say, "I love you."_

Clark supposes that this arises from the rather strained relationship between Lillian and one Lionel Luthor, otherwise known as Lex's Parents. Lex reportedly once told Clark that there's always time for anger later, but you can't say "I love you" to the dead and expect them to hear it.

So even when Clark forgets their Thursday dates or leaves towels on the bathroom floor or (sin of all sins) mentions Lionel while they're in bed, Lex never fails to say it. To grip Clark's hair tightly. Whisper it harsh against his mouth and follow with, "But I'll talk to you tomorrow."

Which he does without fail, because --

6\. _Lex always keeps his promises._

This, of course, has both positive and negative effects. Positive in the sense that Lex never backs out of an agreement once it's been made. He travels with Clark to Smallville for Christmas; he picks up their dry cleaning every Thursday; he isn't ever late for a dinner date.

But this tendency to keep a promise sometimes proves negative, because if one is to cross him, Lex never forgets and never fails to get revenge in whatever form he deems appropriate.

That's why Clark's glad to be on Lex's good side. Well. _Most_ of the time. There was one time when Clark dyed Lex's best scotch purple with the help of some food coloring, and Clark found his boxer shorts dyed pink two days later. But other than very silly domestic squabbles and the occasional fight over both of them working too hard, it's great. It's comfortable. And Lex is everything Clark ever wanted in a partner.

Some of Lex's behavior will likely always surprise Clark, such as when Lex cries during a _cadenza_ but laughs at dramatic films, or shuns stopping for fast food and then develops a craving for pizza at 2:30 in the morning when the local shops are already closed. But most of it makes sense.

It's just...Lex. And that's what Clark loves, anyway.

Lex in every form.

And that brings him to the one guideline he'd consider having tattooed across his back would the needles not break, which emerges from Lex's hard clubbing days and comes out to play with the help of alcohol and controlled amounts of red kryptonite. The one that lets them be variations of themselves, with just enough danger to keep life exciting...

7\. _Every once in a while, don't be afraid of your darker side; have fun with it._


End file.
